Edge of Night

 The edge of night falls
Sharply, like a knife
There is no gentle slide into the quiet.
Lovers wax poetic on the joys
The night holds
No joy is found
in night for me.



I lay awake at night. Just staring at the ceiling or watching D sleep. I try to sleep. It comes in fits and spurts.
My mind won't shut off. I am afraid of letting everyone down. So afraid that it invades my dreams. After the month+ of my visitor I am afraid of letting go. This fear intensifies my fear of letting D down. Of failing him. I feel broken. Shouldn't I, as his wife, be able to let go and enjoy him and the act of being with him.

I feel as if I am failing everyone, and in doing so I am failing myself. I find myself withdrawing into myself. Of shutting down. I am in a constant haze from the lack of sleep. I would even settle for a night of sleep filled with screaming night terrors.

If

The question has crossed my mind a bit lately of whether anyone would notice if I was gone? Would they notice if I didn't say hi or ask how they were doing? Would they notice if I just faded back into the woodwork?
I wonder.......
I know that there are a very select few that would notice. But I'm afraid it isn't as many as I think.