Trying to do better

I have sat down several times over the past couple of days to write. The words are floating in my head, I just can't seem to get them to form sentences. It's like they are mocking me and taunting me.

I try to do right by everyone around me. But it seems that I have failed a lot at that lately.
By not allowing D to take care of me I am hurting him. I never want to be the reason for his pain. I don't want to be the cause for anyone in my life that is important to me. So, I am trying to do better.
I want so much to take care of those around me that I forget that I need care too. And that there are those in my life that want to care for me.

I will do better.

Needy girl

This past week I have felt like a lost little girl. A little girl just wanting her Daddy. All because I know something is off with my body, but I just don't know what it is.

The doc's office just keeps giving me the run around. The doc doesn't answer me directly, and the nurse talks down to me like I am some child. I am getting sick of doctors and nurses thinking they know what is going on with my body better than me. I have only been living in it for 35 years.

The last time there was something wrong I told my doc all of my symptoms. All he did was dismiss what I thought it might be and sent me for a ridiculously expensive test when a cheaper one would have worked. He found something wrong, a small hernia located no where near where my pain was. He sent me to see a surgeon, she decided on the day of my initial appointment with me to not come back to the office after a surgery that day. Ok, no biggie right? I ended up in the ER not even 2 days later in such pain I could barely walk. Anyone that knows me knows that it takes a lot to make me cry from pain. The physician's assistant that saw me there sent me up for a simple (and a hell of a lot cheaper) ultrasound. Guess what, she found a golf ball sized hematoma. She called in and got me an appointment the next day with a cancer specialist. A week later I was having surgery to remove the tumor. It wasn't cancer, but it was exactly what I told my original doc what I thought it was. I have endometriosis.

So, you can imagine why after almost a month of a constant menstrual flow with large clots that I might be a bit concerned that something is wrong. It is causing me to be weak, pale, and tired all the time. I just want to find out why. Instead I am being talked to like I am a child and don't know anything. Even my Momma is concerned. I just want someone to listen. To actually hear me. 

An end of an era

I never thought the death of my mom's yorkie would cause me such sadness. But it seems I was a bit more emotionally attached to that little shit head than I thought. He was a true pain in the ass. Wouldn't let anyone touch him but my mom. My dad gave him to my mom as a late Christmas present the year before he died. So, I have sat here this evening crying. Crying over the loss of this little animal and over one of the last things my mom had that she felt connected her to my dad.

Sorry doesn't fix the broken

Work has been crazy.
Life has been weird, been stressing about a trip to Indiana. I'm confused and feel like I am bad person because I don't want to go. I don't want to see my Grandparents as they are right now. I want to remember them as they were the last time I saw them. My grandmother has dementia and doesn't even know who I am. My grandfather is turning 90 and is so tiny and frail. He isn't the man I remember. Oh, I know the man I knew is in there still. I spent the evening last night fighting this feeling. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Oh, I can talk to D, but he just tries to fix things. He tries so hard to make it better, but doesn't really help with helping me sort out my feelings.

Last night I had the biggest fight I have had with D in a long time. I said somethings I shouldn't have, and made him feel like his world was turned on it's ear. I felt myself trying to push him away. It is what I have always done when I am scared, when I feel like those around me deserve better than what I can give them. I push away those I love the most. I've been trying for a bit to lock those emotions away. To bury them deep. I will try harder. I do not want to ever hurt anyone in my life, even if accidentally.

And because of all this emotional shit I have been dealing with, I seem to unintentionally hurt someone. I truly support what they want and I didn't mean to make it seem like I didn't. I don't want them to feel guilty for anything they ever do. EVER. I never say or do the right things. I think I am saying the right thing. I just need to keep my mouth shut. Or I just need to stick to the pat answers of hugs and love you. Those don't hurt anyone. At least I don't think they do.

Barbed wire and roses

I'm one of those people that tends to spoil others with gifts and flowers and other silly nonsense. But, never seem to get them. I tell people it doesn't bother me, but that is a lie. At times it makes me feel like I am unimportant. I just have to remember that their love language may just not be what mine is. Mine is gifts and touch.
Is it wrong that I just want some flowers or a stuffed animal once in a while? The last stuffed animal that was bought for me was my Junior year of HS. Well, that is wrong, while it wasn't bought I did have one given to me by B. I sleep with that lovely caterpillar every night. It keeps the night terrors at bay. There is something about it that makes me feel safe. I don't know why.
So, with all the damn flowers and stuffed animals everywhere at work it makes me cranky. It reminds me of all the shitty Valentine's I have had over the years. The gas station cards, and the beautiful box with divorce papers. The 10 years of telling everyone not to bother with anything for me. All the years of lieing to myself about not caring.