The good, the bad and the down right painful

Back in April of 2010 I had finally had enough of the pain on a daily basis in my lower abdomen, so much so that I finally broke down and went to the doc. The first doc sent me for a CT scan with the radioactive cocktail, results came back. He said it was a small hernia. Scheduled me an appointment with a surgeon to have it repaired, she cancelled said appointment as it was a small hernia. Cue two days after the appointment, I am at work and barely able to walk from the amount of pain I am enduring. And in a constant state of crying.
For those that know me well, they will tell you that any pain that makes me cry or not want to walk is some wicked pain. I didn't even use my morphine drip but 3 times the whole time it was in after my last c-section.
Call my mom, who happens to be up visiting and she tells me if the hernia is causing that much pain that it probably has gotten "caught" on the outside of the stomach wall. And that I need to go to the ER now. We go, we sit and wait. Finally get back to be seen. Doc there sends me up for an ultrasound. Ultrasound finds a mass the size of a golf ball on my lower left abdomen, the spot where I showed the previous doc that hurt. Near my belly button is where the hernia was, a very small one that has since healed up on it's own.
Next stop is some great pain medicine and an appointment with a Cancer specialist to see about removing it. This visit literally happens the next day. 2 weeks later I am in surgery having it removed. A two week wait and we find out no cancer but a rare occurrence of Endometriosis on the outside of the stomach wall behind the muscle. He can't guarantee that he removed it all, but he is pretty sure he did.
It has been almost a year and a half and it is starting to come back. Just as painful and I am truly hoping not as bad as it was then. I worry, because of where it is it can't be treated in a lot of the normal ways. I really don't want to have to undergo a hysterectomy at the age of 35.

Self discovery

I have decided to start to write down (or type) some of what goes through my head on a regular basis. There are days that what comes out is clear and concise and other days that it is just rambling nonsense. The days that it is clear are my low pain days. The others are my not so low pain days.

I have arthritis in one hip and the beginnings of arthritis in my hands. I also have endometriosis that flares once in a while. There are days I feel like I am falling apart and useless to those around me. I push myself harder on those days and regret it later. I wear a mask in front of my coworkers and even some of my friends. Only those closest to me ever see the hurt escape, whether by an emotional or physical break down. The emotional ones are rare. During the physical ones I won't even let my husband touch me.