Falling fast

I am finding myself feeling things that I have only felt for two others as deeply as I am now. I still feel them for those first two, I actually feel deeper for them. I always will. But I am finding myself loving and caring for someone else just as much as I do them. I have been trying so hard to keep my heart in check. Telling it that it isn't allowed to fall, to need this person so desperately. But I do. I am finding that I want to make him a part of my family. Why does my heart love so much? And oddly enough my head isn't telling my heart to hush. My head is telling me to tell him, to let him know how I truly feel. That I want him around for a very long time. I want to give him parts of me I have only shared with one other, and some that have only been shared with two others.

But, I don't want to scare him off, or have him think me crazy. There is just something about him, about how he treats me, about how he treats my family. He has brought out parts of me that I had thought long buried. My inner demon and angel have come out to play again, crying for their stories to be told. And that they want his story to intertwine with theirs, just like D's has. D first brought forth Aphrexia from my mind, and Aerin followed, but she stays in the shadows. D isn't quite the force that she wants, but J, J seems to pull her to the surface without even trying. I don't think he knows that. Now I am sounding crazy, but Aerin and Aphrexia are two of my inner voices. Aphrexia keeps me on the straight and narrow, while Aering coerces me to slow down and wander from the path, To see what there is to explore.

I love deeply, and in the end I always get hurt, but to me that love is worth every ounce of pain.

I love D, J, and B all equally. They are all my centers. They each give me something different. I know that they all love me in their own way, and maybe not as fiercely as I love them. But, I have come to accept that. I will keep loving them no matter.

Me

I am quiet, I am loud
I am focused, I am distracted
I am conservative, I am wild
Wanna get to know me?
I dare you to try.
Come and get me
Follow me, lead me
Teach me, love me.

I am still alive

It has been a while since I have taken the time to write anything here. I have been afraid of writing the wrong things. I have so much on my mind and yet the words don't come.

I am preparing to embark on a journey to drop the last 60 stubborn pounds I am holding onto. I will still be curvy, I just will be less thick.

Edge of Night

 The edge of night falls
Sharply, like a knife
There is no gentle slide into the quiet.
Lovers wax poetic on the joys
The night holds
No joy is found
in night for me.



I lay awake at night. Just staring at the ceiling or watching D sleep. I try to sleep. It comes in fits and spurts.
My mind won't shut off. I am afraid of letting everyone down. So afraid that it invades my dreams. After the month+ of my visitor I am afraid of letting go. This fear intensifies my fear of letting D down. Of failing him. I feel broken. Shouldn't I, as his wife, be able to let go and enjoy him and the act of being with him.

I feel as if I am failing everyone, and in doing so I am failing myself. I find myself withdrawing into myself. Of shutting down. I am in a constant haze from the lack of sleep. I would even settle for a night of sleep filled with screaming night terrors.

If

The question has crossed my mind a bit lately of whether anyone would notice if I was gone? Would they notice if I didn't say hi or ask how they were doing? Would they notice if I just faded back into the woodwork?
I wonder.......
I know that there are a very select few that would notice. But I'm afraid it isn't as many as I think.

Trying to do better

I have sat down several times over the past couple of days to write. The words are floating in my head, I just can't seem to get them to form sentences. It's like they are mocking me and taunting me.

I try to do right by everyone around me. But it seems that I have failed a lot at that lately.
By not allowing D to take care of me I am hurting him. I never want to be the reason for his pain. I don't want to be the cause for anyone in my life that is important to me. So, I am trying to do better.
I want so much to take care of those around me that I forget that I need care too. And that there are those in my life that want to care for me.

I will do better.

Needy girl

This past week I have felt like a lost little girl. A little girl just wanting her Daddy. All because I know something is off with my body, but I just don't know what it is.

The doc's office just keeps giving me the run around. The doc doesn't answer me directly, and the nurse talks down to me like I am some child. I am getting sick of doctors and nurses thinking they know what is going on with my body better than me. I have only been living in it for 35 years.

The last time there was something wrong I told my doc all of my symptoms. All he did was dismiss what I thought it might be and sent me for a ridiculously expensive test when a cheaper one would have worked. He found something wrong, a small hernia located no where near where my pain was. He sent me to see a surgeon, she decided on the day of my initial appointment with me to not come back to the office after a surgery that day. Ok, no biggie right? I ended up in the ER not even 2 days later in such pain I could barely walk. Anyone that knows me knows that it takes a lot to make me cry from pain. The physician's assistant that saw me there sent me up for a simple (and a hell of a lot cheaper) ultrasound. Guess what, she found a golf ball sized hematoma. She called in and got me an appointment the next day with a cancer specialist. A week later I was having surgery to remove the tumor. It wasn't cancer, but it was exactly what I told my original doc what I thought it was. I have endometriosis.

So, you can imagine why after almost a month of a constant menstrual flow with large clots that I might be a bit concerned that something is wrong. It is causing me to be weak, pale, and tired all the time. I just want to find out why. Instead I am being talked to like I am a child and don't know anything. Even my Momma is concerned. I just want someone to listen. To actually hear me. 

An end of an era

I never thought the death of my mom's yorkie would cause me such sadness. But it seems I was a bit more emotionally attached to that little shit head than I thought. He was a true pain in the ass. Wouldn't let anyone touch him but my mom. My dad gave him to my mom as a late Christmas present the year before he died. So, I have sat here this evening crying. Crying over the loss of this little animal and over one of the last things my mom had that she felt connected her to my dad.

Sorry doesn't fix the broken

Work has been crazy.
Life has been weird, been stressing about a trip to Indiana. I'm confused and feel like I am bad person because I don't want to go. I don't want to see my Grandparents as they are right now. I want to remember them as they were the last time I saw them. My grandmother has dementia and doesn't even know who I am. My grandfather is turning 90 and is so tiny and frail. He isn't the man I remember. Oh, I know the man I knew is in there still. I spent the evening last night fighting this feeling. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Oh, I can talk to D, but he just tries to fix things. He tries so hard to make it better, but doesn't really help with helping me sort out my feelings.

Last night I had the biggest fight I have had with D in a long time. I said somethings I shouldn't have, and made him feel like his world was turned on it's ear. I felt myself trying to push him away. It is what I have always done when I am scared, when I feel like those around me deserve better than what I can give them. I push away those I love the most. I've been trying for a bit to lock those emotions away. To bury them deep. I will try harder. I do not want to ever hurt anyone in my life, even if accidentally.

And because of all this emotional shit I have been dealing with, I seem to unintentionally hurt someone. I truly support what they want and I didn't mean to make it seem like I didn't. I don't want them to feel guilty for anything they ever do. EVER. I never say or do the right things. I think I am saying the right thing. I just need to keep my mouth shut. Or I just need to stick to the pat answers of hugs and love you. Those don't hurt anyone. At least I don't think they do.

Barbed wire and roses

I'm one of those people that tends to spoil others with gifts and flowers and other silly nonsense. But, never seem to get them. I tell people it doesn't bother me, but that is a lie. At times it makes me feel like I am unimportant. I just have to remember that their love language may just not be what mine is. Mine is gifts and touch.
Is it wrong that I just want some flowers or a stuffed animal once in a while? The last stuffed animal that was bought for me was my Junior year of HS. Well, that is wrong, while it wasn't bought I did have one given to me by B. I sleep with that lovely caterpillar every night. It keeps the night terrors at bay. There is something about it that makes me feel safe. I don't know why.
So, with all the damn flowers and stuffed animals everywhere at work it makes me cranky. It reminds me of all the shitty Valentine's I have had over the years. The gas station cards, and the beautiful box with divorce papers. The 10 years of telling everyone not to bother with anything for me. All the years of lieing to myself about not caring.

Inferior

Why do I let others make me feel inferior? Why do I feel like I am less of a person or that something is wrong with me just because someone stops communicating with me? I just need to realize that they are just not a good fit for me and move on. But I don't. I stress and worry about what I did wrong, what could I have done different, or what is wrong with me. 

I am working on correcting this mentality of always thinking I am broken or that something is wrong with me. It is so very hard to change 30+ years of thought processes. But I will do it. I will overcome these demons. I am not going to let the actions of one miniscule douche bring me down. I have those that love me and I love them back.

Need

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