D asked me if I would write down why I feel I am broken. I am going to try. I don't always feel broken, just some days. Especially days after I have had night terrors. I am trying very hard not to feel broken. It is a feeling I have been fighting as long as I can remember.
In high school it was a battle with anorexia and feeling worthless. Before then it was just feeling worthless and I just wanted to hide.
I try to please everyone and make them happy so that maybe I will be loved. I know that doesn't make sense and that isn't the way love is given. But, it just seems that is what I have done my whole life. I always remember doing something good and then asking my momma if I did good or if I was a good girl. Even to this day I seem to seek others approval of what I do.
It may seem from the outside that I have a "perfect" life. Yes, I know I have a husband that loves me, that allows me to be me, 3 kids that, for some reason, people think are amazing, and a job. But what they don't see are the struggles I have had with my boy, trying to get him diagnosed and treated for his issues. That I still have to help both of my older children deal with the scars that their bio father left on their hearts and minds. They don't see the nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel like I let someone down, or didn't please everyone just right. I try too hard to make everyone else happy.
For some reason, I am scared of those I love leaving me. But at the same time I worry that they wouldn't notice if I was gone. If one day they woke up and I no longer existed. Would it be noticed or felt? My absence? I know that isn't the case. I know that a few would be deeply hurt if I was gone.
One of my main things for this New Year going forward is to finally conquer this fear and these feelings of being worthless. I know I'm not and I know that there are people that love me dearly.
Just know that I wrote this because someone wanted to see into my head. It is a dark place and scary sometimes. Even if I do have a bubblegum personality.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Memories of the night
*Disclaimer: this post is all over the place, as I am just emptying my head of thoughts that are bouncing around*
When did the light fade? When did the night fall around me? It used to be so clear, what I needed to do. What I wanted from life. It has become hazy as of late. I know how I feel, I know who I want in my life and who I am glad is gone from my life. I know those I wish would come back into my life. Friends that I lost touch with years ago that have lately come to the front of my mind once again. I wonder where Jason ended up after his mother made him move out to the middle of nowhere Wyoming after 8th grade. I manage to keep in touch with Joe and Shane. Still remember all the trouble we all got into. I remember the fights Joey and Jason used to get into "defending my honor". Still makes me laugh. Watching those two take on the star quarterback because he called me a slut. The reason he called me a slut was because all three of them referred to me as their girlfriend. I miss the hours we spent laying on the big rock in the front field of my parents acreage counting stars and talking about the things we were all going to do together when we grew up. We all just knew we would be together to the end of time. Those 3 thought I would be the girl to take care of them all. I loved (and still do deeply) all three of them. Joey was the first one I ever gave my heart to. He still holds part of it, and he knows it. We talk quite a bit, same with Shane. The only one that got lost was Jason. At one time I had heard he was in Wichita. Don't know if he is still there or not.
It is amazing how the dreams of a group of 14-15 year old kids isn't what comes to be. I was going to be a writer and they were going to take care of me so I didn't have to do anything but write my books and make us lots of money. And when the time was right I would put the writing aside to be a mom, if I wanted. Where did that dream go?
I know I won't ever be a famous writer. Who would want to read what I write?
Some days I feel trapped by the role of mom. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But, I got lost somewhere along the way. Kim got lost. The carefree, go with the flow and just let life happen Kim is gone it seems.
I want to just go lay on that big rock and look at the stars. To go back in time. But I can't. That rock was big enough that 3, six foot tall boys and a little tiny 5'2" girl could all lay in a jumble on it. Had to have been the size of a king size bed, if not a bit bigger. I treasure those memories.
Time to make new memories. With new friends and lovers. I love my D and I love B dearly.
I have been feeling insecure of late. I worry that those around me just tell me what they think I want/need to hear instead of what they really feel. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I am not a fucking porcelain doll. I won't break and even if I do, I heal and go back together just fine. I always have and I always will. That is what a 6 year marriage to an abusive asshole taught me.
Granted, I do have a tendency to try and make those around me happy before I even think about my feelings. Sometimes it causes me to hurt, but that is my fault for not speaking up and saying "Hey, I need some attention." I am working on speaking up. I am going to try harder. I am also going to love without apology. I may write more later.
When did the light fade? When did the night fall around me? It used to be so clear, what I needed to do. What I wanted from life. It has become hazy as of late. I know how I feel, I know who I want in my life and who I am glad is gone from my life. I know those I wish would come back into my life. Friends that I lost touch with years ago that have lately come to the front of my mind once again. I wonder where Jason ended up after his mother made him move out to the middle of nowhere Wyoming after 8th grade. I manage to keep in touch with Joe and Shane. Still remember all the trouble we all got into. I remember the fights Joey and Jason used to get into "defending my honor". Still makes me laugh. Watching those two take on the star quarterback because he called me a slut. The reason he called me a slut was because all three of them referred to me as their girlfriend. I miss the hours we spent laying on the big rock in the front field of my parents acreage counting stars and talking about the things we were all going to do together when we grew up. We all just knew we would be together to the end of time. Those 3 thought I would be the girl to take care of them all. I loved (and still do deeply) all three of them. Joey was the first one I ever gave my heart to. He still holds part of it, and he knows it. We talk quite a bit, same with Shane. The only one that got lost was Jason. At one time I had heard he was in Wichita. Don't know if he is still there or not.
It is amazing how the dreams of a group of 14-15 year old kids isn't what comes to be. I was going to be a writer and they were going to take care of me so I didn't have to do anything but write my books and make us lots of money. And when the time was right I would put the writing aside to be a mom, if I wanted. Where did that dream go?
I know I won't ever be a famous writer. Who would want to read what I write?
Some days I feel trapped by the role of mom. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But, I got lost somewhere along the way. Kim got lost. The carefree, go with the flow and just let life happen Kim is gone it seems.
I want to just go lay on that big rock and look at the stars. To go back in time. But I can't. That rock was big enough that 3, six foot tall boys and a little tiny 5'2" girl could all lay in a jumble on it. Had to have been the size of a king size bed, if not a bit bigger. I treasure those memories.
Time to make new memories. With new friends and lovers. I love my D and I love B dearly.
I have been feeling insecure of late. I worry that those around me just tell me what they think I want/need to hear instead of what they really feel. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I am not a fucking porcelain doll. I won't break and even if I do, I heal and go back together just fine. I always have and I always will. That is what a 6 year marriage to an abusive asshole taught me.
Granted, I do have a tendency to try and make those around me happy before I even think about my feelings. Sometimes it causes me to hurt, but that is my fault for not speaking up and saying "Hey, I need some attention." I am working on speaking up. I am going to try harder. I am also going to love without apology. I may write more later.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Dream a scary dream.
The title is so misleading. Life is going good for the most part. I am still married to the greatest man I know. I have some of the best friends a person could ask for. My dreams of late have revolved around all of these people.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Masquerade
For most of my life I have worn masks. Masks that hide the pain, the fear, the real me. Very rarely to I let anyone see past those masks. I am trying to change that. I am tired of wearing the masks.
D has always been able to see past the masks. I am choosing which people, though, that I let in. I dropped the mask for another just recently. And I am glad I did. I am feeling relieved that I am able to trust those that I choose to see the real me.
Those that I have let in have a piece of my heart. I trust them with it and my life.
If only all of those that think I am so strong could see the scared little girl that is hiding inside of me. The one that is afraid of making the wrong move, or saying the wrong thing. I am strong because if I'm not then I die. I give into the fear and would just curl up and die.
D has always been able to see past the masks. I am choosing which people, though, that I let in. I dropped the mask for another just recently. And I am glad I did. I am feeling relieved that I am able to trust those that I choose to see the real me.
Those that I have let in have a piece of my heart. I trust them with it and my life.
If only all of those that think I am so strong could see the scared little girl that is hiding inside of me. The one that is afraid of making the wrong move, or saying the wrong thing. I am strong because if I'm not then I die. I give into the fear and would just curl up and die.
Monday, December 12, 2011
On Writing
I have been trying all night to put down what is going through my head. All the emotions and thoughts. Instead I turned to music. I find solace in music. It can express what I am feeling but just can't seem to say.
For instance, I am falling so hard for someone and I feel that I shouldn't be. I told her, but now my heart is hurting so much. Like a lot of things I have done in the past I spoke before thinking. I know that I love her as much as I do D. I just want so much to be able to tell her the things I want to. To say the words that are in my heart for her. But I can't. I am afraid of being hurt, of hurting her by expressing my deepest feeling for her.
I want to be able to hold her when she is hurting, to celebrate with her when all is roses. To wipe away her tears when she is crying and to laugh with her until our sides hurt. To have little things that are just between us, little inside jokes and sayings. I want to protect her, to love her fully and without holding back. I don't like to hold back when I love. I love fiercely and deeply. So deeply at times it hurts. But the pain is a good and pleasurable pain.
For instance, I am falling so hard for someone and I feel that I shouldn't be. I told her, but now my heart is hurting so much. Like a lot of things I have done in the past I spoke before thinking. I know that I love her as much as I do D. I just want so much to be able to tell her the things I want to. To say the words that are in my heart for her. But I can't. I am afraid of being hurt, of hurting her by expressing my deepest feeling for her.
I want to be able to hold her when she is hurting, to celebrate with her when all is roses. To wipe away her tears when she is crying and to laugh with her until our sides hurt. To have little things that are just between us, little inside jokes and sayings. I want to protect her, to love her fully and without holding back. I don't like to hold back when I love. I love fiercely and deeply. So deeply at times it hurts. But the pain is a good and pleasurable pain.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Ignore the Emo behind the mask
I have always been one to give random gifts and such to those I care about. If I like you, you more than likely will at some point or another get a random "just because it made me think of you" gift. I love to see the reactions that I get. It is one of the ways I express my love. Some of my gifts are simply poems or stories just for the person I wrote them for. Or they are more lavish things.
It bothers me, though to be given a gift because someone had to. Like birthdays, Christmas and Valentine's. I hate Valentine's but that is a topic for another post. I would rather get a present because the person wanted to give it to me, not because they feel they have to because it is some holiday or such. I love getting gifts as much as I do giving them. My poor husband has a hard time understanding this. I told him this year that I didn't want anything for Christmas, just like I do every year and he just can't understand it.
It doesn't just revolve around gifts. I will do things for people even if it means I give up something I wanted to do or what not. I guess at times I let people walk all over me and take advantage of that. I give so much of myself that at times I don't have anything left for me. It is those times that I wish someone would notice that I am tapped out. That I have no more to give, even if I seem to be finding it somewhere. I'm at one of those points right now. I have given so much and bared so much and now I feel as if I am in limbo. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing around everyone.
I want someone to give to me for a bit, but I won't ask. I just wait patiently for them to notice I need some affection or whatever it may be at the moment. But it seems to never happen. I take what I am given, even if it is nothing. But I continue to love. I continue to give them my all, each and every person in my life that I consider worth my time.
It bothers me, though to be given a gift because someone had to. Like birthdays, Christmas and Valentine's. I hate Valentine's but that is a topic for another post. I would rather get a present because the person wanted to give it to me, not because they feel they have to because it is some holiday or such. I love getting gifts as much as I do giving them. My poor husband has a hard time understanding this. I told him this year that I didn't want anything for Christmas, just like I do every year and he just can't understand it.
It doesn't just revolve around gifts. I will do things for people even if it means I give up something I wanted to do or what not. I guess at times I let people walk all over me and take advantage of that. I give so much of myself that at times I don't have anything left for me. It is those times that I wish someone would notice that I am tapped out. That I have no more to give, even if I seem to be finding it somewhere. I'm at one of those points right now. I have given so much and bared so much and now I feel as if I am in limbo. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing around everyone.
I want someone to give to me for a bit, but I won't ask. I just wait patiently for them to notice I need some affection or whatever it may be at the moment. But it seems to never happen. I take what I am given, even if it is nothing. But I continue to love. I continue to give them my all, each and every person in my life that I consider worth my time.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The forms love takes
Over the past few months I have been on a journey. A journey of the heart. For years I loved just one man and held all my love for him. But I knew I was capable of more. Of loving greater and deeper. Of loving more. And I am.
As I have embarked on this journey, the love I have for D has grown by leaps and bounds. I know that he will always be there for me, that no matter what, he will be there to help me put the pieces of my heart back together. To show me that his love for me is unconditional and all encompassing. He is a most amazing man. And because of this amazing man I have been able to explore more of who I am without fear of being judged.
He has been with me through all of the hard times and in all of the joyous times. He is my foundation. He is my main partner in "crime". He has even begun to explore parts of himself that he would have never thought to explore. He is stepping out on that proverbial ledge, a bit leary but willing to try. He encourages me to be myself and to stop hiding who I am. To speak my mind and share my deepest desires.
I managed to floor him about a week ago. I told him that I was in love with someone else. Now, before you go "What!", know that I have never been more in love with D, than I am at this moment and my love for him grows deeper every day. It just means that I am in love with this other person too. He said he always knew I would find a girl that I fell in love with. What shocked him was it was the girl he loves. B is an awesome woman. I can see why D loves her. There is just something about her. I love the way D smiles when he is thinking about her. It is just a bit different of a smile than when he is thinking about me, when he is thinking about me it is a bit of a dirty smirky smile. With her it is just a bit less dirty, still smirky.
I told B later that evening how I felt about her. I don't know if she feels the same way, I do know she loves me. I can accept it if all we ever have is a friendship love. I do not ever want her to think she has to love me. I love without strings. I am letting her process what I said. I am going to fade to the shadows for a bit so that she can. I will be here when she is ready to tell me what she thinks.
As I have embarked on this journey, the love I have for D has grown by leaps and bounds. I know that he will always be there for me, that no matter what, he will be there to help me put the pieces of my heart back together. To show me that his love for me is unconditional and all encompassing. He is a most amazing man. And because of this amazing man I have been able to explore more of who I am without fear of being judged.
He has been with me through all of the hard times and in all of the joyous times. He is my foundation. He is my main partner in "crime". He has even begun to explore parts of himself that he would have never thought to explore. He is stepping out on that proverbial ledge, a bit leary but willing to try. He encourages me to be myself and to stop hiding who I am. To speak my mind and share my deepest desires.
I managed to floor him about a week ago. I told him that I was in love with someone else. Now, before you go "What!", know that I have never been more in love with D, than I am at this moment and my love for him grows deeper every day. It just means that I am in love with this other person too. He said he always knew I would find a girl that I fell in love with. What shocked him was it was the girl he loves. B is an awesome woman. I can see why D loves her. There is just something about her. I love the way D smiles when he is thinking about her. It is just a bit different of a smile than when he is thinking about me, when he is thinking about me it is a bit of a dirty smirky smile. With her it is just a bit less dirty, still smirky.
I told B later that evening how I felt about her. I don't know if she feels the same way, I do know she loves me. I can accept it if all we ever have is a friendship love. I do not ever want her to think she has to love me. I love without strings. I am letting her process what I said. I am going to fade to the shadows for a bit so that she can. I will be here when she is ready to tell me what she thinks.
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