D asked me if I would write down why I feel I am broken. I am going to try. I don't always feel broken, just some days. Especially days after I have had night terrors. I am trying very hard not to feel broken. It is a feeling I have been fighting as long as I can remember.
In high school it was a battle with anorexia and feeling worthless. Before then it was just feeling worthless and I just wanted to hide.
I try to please everyone and make them happy so that maybe I will be loved. I know that doesn't make sense and that isn't the way love is given. But, it just seems that is what I have done my whole life. I always remember doing something good and then asking my momma if I did good or if I was a good girl. Even to this day I seem to seek others approval of what I do.
It may seem from the outside that I have a "perfect" life. Yes, I know I have a husband that loves me, that allows me to be me, 3 kids that, for some reason, people think are amazing, and a job. But what they don't see are the struggles I have had with my boy, trying to get him diagnosed and treated for his issues. That I still have to help both of my older children deal with the scars that their bio father left on their hearts and minds. They don't see the nights I cry myself to sleep because I feel like I let someone down, or didn't please everyone just right. I try too hard to make everyone else happy.
For some reason, I am scared of those I love leaving me. But at the same time I worry that they wouldn't notice if I was gone. If one day they woke up and I no longer existed. Would it be noticed or felt? My absence? I know that isn't the case. I know that a few would be deeply hurt if I was gone.
One of my main things for this New Year going forward is to finally conquer this fear and these feelings of being worthless. I know I'm not and I know that there are people that love me dearly.
Just know that I wrote this because someone wanted to see into my head. It is a dark place and scary sometimes. Even if I do have a bubblegum personality.
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