Memories of the night

*Disclaimer: this post is all over the place, as I am just emptying my head of thoughts that are bouncing around*

When did the light fade? When did the night fall around me? It used to be so clear, what I needed to do. What I wanted from life. It has become hazy as of late. I know how I feel, I know who I want in my life and who I am glad is gone from my life. I know those I wish would come back into my life. Friends that I lost touch with years ago that have lately come to the front of my mind once again. I wonder where Jason ended up after his mother made him move out to the middle of nowhere Wyoming after 8th grade. I manage to keep in touch with Joe and Shane. Still remember all the trouble we all got into. I remember the fights Joey and Jason used to get into "defending my honor". Still makes me laugh. Watching those two take on the star quarterback because he called me a slut. The reason he called me a slut was because all three of them referred to me as their girlfriend. I miss the hours we spent laying on the big rock in the front field of my parents acreage counting stars and talking about the things we were all going to do together when we grew up. We all just knew we would be together to the end of time. Those 3 thought I would be the girl to take care of them all. I loved (and still do deeply) all three of them. Joey was the first one I ever gave my heart to. He still holds part of it, and he knows it. We talk quite a bit, same with Shane. The only one that got lost was Jason. At one time I had heard he was in Wichita. Don't know if he is still there or not.

It is amazing how the dreams of a group of 14-15 year old kids isn't what comes to be. I was going to be a writer and they were going to take care of me so I didn't have to do anything but write my books and make us lots of money. And when the time was right I would put the writing aside to be a mom, if I wanted. Where did that dream go?

I know I won't ever be a famous writer. Who would want to read what I write?

Some days I feel trapped by the role of mom. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for anything. But, I got lost somewhere along the way. Kim got lost. The carefree, go with the flow and just let life happen Kim is gone it seems.

I want to just go lay on that big rock and look at the stars. To go back in time. But I can't. That rock was big enough that 3, six foot tall boys and a little tiny 5'2" girl could all lay in a jumble on it. Had to have been the size of a king size bed, if not a bit bigger. I treasure those memories.

Time to make new memories. With new friends and lovers. I love my D and I love B dearly.

I have been feeling insecure of late. I worry that those around me just tell me what they think I want/need to hear instead of what they really feel. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I am not a fucking porcelain doll. I won't break and even if I do, I heal and go back together just fine. I always have and I always will. That is what a 6 year marriage to an abusive asshole taught me.

Granted, I do have a tendency to try and make those around me happy before I even think about my feelings. Sometimes it causes me to hurt, but that is my fault for not speaking up and saying "Hey, I need some attention." I am working on speaking up. I am going to try harder. I am also going to love without apology. I may write more later.