Sorry doesn't fix the broken

Work has been crazy.
Life has been weird, been stressing about a trip to Indiana. I'm confused and feel like I am bad person because I don't want to go. I don't want to see my Grandparents as they are right now. I want to remember them as they were the last time I saw them. My grandmother has dementia and doesn't even know who I am. My grandfather is turning 90 and is so tiny and frail. He isn't the man I remember. Oh, I know the man I knew is in there still. I spent the evening last night fighting this feeling. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Oh, I can talk to D, but he just tries to fix things. He tries so hard to make it better, but doesn't really help with helping me sort out my feelings.

Last night I had the biggest fight I have had with D in a long time. I said somethings I shouldn't have, and made him feel like his world was turned on it's ear. I felt myself trying to push him away. It is what I have always done when I am scared, when I feel like those around me deserve better than what I can give them. I push away those I love the most. I've been trying for a bit to lock those emotions away. To bury them deep. I will try harder. I do not want to ever hurt anyone in my life, even if accidentally.

And because of all this emotional shit I have been dealing with, I seem to unintentionally hurt someone. I truly support what they want and I didn't mean to make it seem like I didn't. I don't want them to feel guilty for anything they ever do. EVER. I never say or do the right things. I think I am saying the right thing. I just need to keep my mouth shut. Or I just need to stick to the pat answers of hugs and love you. Those don't hurt anyone. At least I don't think they do.